How to Set Healthy Boundaries

Everyone has come across at least one person in their life that drains them emotionally or that they walk on eggshells around. Many people externalize their behavior as something that can't be helped or internalize it by telling themselves they're a bad person if they don't just put up with it. Boundaries are a excellent way to protect ourselves in these situations and preserve our relationships.

Boundaries are foundational to any relationship and create a safe environment for communication. They look different for everyone and can be influenced by trauma such as physical or sexual abuse.  

What are healthy boundaries?

Boundaries are invisible lines set by an individual for what they consider acceptable behavior from others toward themselves. Healthy boundaries aren't created with the intent to punish, but to safeguard one's autonomy.

What are unhealthy boundaries?

Rigid boundaries created to control and shame another person are not healthy boundaries. For example, if your partner is not okay with you talking to anyone outside your family of the opposite sex, that's an unhealthy boundary.

Types of Boundaries

Physical: Oftentimes physical boundaries are only associated with intimate touching or sexual boundaries, but can include any type of physical touch from anyone. Physical boundaries include personal space, touch, privacy, and health-related boundaries such as wearing masks during Covid.

Emotional: Emotional boundaries are boundaries regarding our thoughts, emotions, and feelings. This can include respecting feelings, understanding your emotional needs and communicating them effectively, and guarding personal information.

Time: Time is limited for everyone and how you spend it reflects your values. Time boundaries include maintaining a work-life balance, self-care, commitment limits, and timely meetings.

Intellectual: Intellectual boundaries include respecting others thoughts and opinions, disagreeing without enduring or inflicting personal attacks, and having the right to change your mind.

Material: Material boundaries are rules we establish around our personal belongings or possessions. These can include financial boundaries, shared space boundaries such as with a roommate, and loans and possession boundaries.

Why should I set boundaries?

Setting boundaries benefits your mental health. When someone is overstepping boundaries without consequences, you can feel powerless in that relationship and develop resentment. This can lead to a variety of problems including depression, abuse, and unresolved issues. 

How do I set boundaries?

Setting boundaries is important to avoid sweeping unresolved issues under the rug.

• Communicate clearly about how your boundary was crossed and how you expect to be treated instead. 

• Use “I feel” statements. 

• Don’t react to defensiveness: Help the other person understand that boundaries are not a punishment, but a way to preserve the relationship. 

How do I respect other people’s boundaries?

Listen and respond to them like you would want others to respond when you set boundaries. 

It's never too late to set boundaries. Start small and build your confidence up one conversation at a time. Setting boundaries is emotional self-care and is essential for you to maintain a positive self-image. The more you set boundaries, the easier it gets and the faster you regain agency in your life.